Things to Look Out for in a Therapist

Finding the right therapist feels nearly impossible these days, especially with the pandemic creating a mental health crisis. More and more people are seeking therapy, and more and more therapists are burning out. But this doesn't mean you should settle when looking for a therapist. Taking the time to look for someone who can help you with your mental health is both admirable and important. The first step is reaching out. The next step is vetting.

I've had at least 10 therapists in the last 12 years, and while I didn't have a say in choosing most of them, I do know what helped and what made me uncomfortable. I've spent the last year and a half searching for the right therapist for me as an adult, and I've compiled a list of the 10 red flags and 10 green flags you should watch out for in a therapist.

Red Flags:

1. They Judge You

Therapy should be a non-judgmental place for you to share and process your thoughts and feelings, a safe space. If your therapist is making passive-aggressive or outright critical comments about something you tell them, you're not going to feel comfortable telling them anything, and therapy will be a waste of time. I had one therapist call me and the people around me "crazy" because she didn't like how a situation I told her about was handled. The same therapist called me a "mouse in the corner" for not standing up for myself in another situation. I spent most of my time with her just smiling and nodding and filtering what I said to her, which wasn't conducive to productive conversation. Sometimes this disconnect can happen because you and your therapist don't share the same morals. If your therapist is unprofessional and lets their opinions get in the way, this can make communication nearly impossible.

2. They're Bossy and Manipulative

Along the same lines, some therapists will cross the line by trying to tell you what to do in your life. This can take of the form of forceful commands or quiet manipulation. A therapist should be a guide, not a life coach. It's really inappropriate for them to order you around. They can offer advice if you ask for it, but telling you what you should do takes away from the self-empowerment you should be gaining from therapy. Your therapist also shouldn't be trying to convince you to do something you're not ready for. Therapy is a process, and it takes patience.

3. They Treat You Like a Project or a Study

I think some of that bossiness and manipulation from my last point comes from your therapist looking at you like a project. They get frustrated when you don't follow their advice or behave the way they want you to. I've had two therapists act like they were studying me or trying to "fix" me, and it was extremely uncomfortable. At the very least, your therapist should treat you like a person. They should try to have real, empathetic conversations with you and not be cold and detached.

4. They Show a Lack of Empathy

A lack of empathy is another red flag in a therapist. Even if they don't agree with everything you're saying or doing, your therapist should still show basic empathy in your sessions. They should try to understand you and where you're coming from. If you tell your therapist about a recent crisis, and they say nothing and try to move on to whatever they want to talk about, or you tell them about a trauma, and they dismiss it as "not that bad" or not worth discussing, that's a huge red flag. I've also had a therapist show no empathy for the people in my life and expect me to feel the same way. It was honestly disgusting. When I told her I was worried about a sick family member or a friend being bullied, she said the family crisis would keep the family member out of my hair for a while and that at least I wasn't being bullied. I was shocked.

5. They Try to Act Like a Friend

Your therapy sessions are not a source of entertainment for your therapist, and your therapist is not a friend. A therapist I saw once (only once because she actually ghosted me after our first session) spent our whole session fixated on a relationship issue I mentioned. She was judging my then-boyfriend and acting like I was a friend venting to her about my life and giving her the latest gossip. It was weird. She wasn't helping me process the situation, and the whole thing felt very unprofessional. A therapist should feel like someone you can talk to, and I like when a therapist is relatable and you have things in common, but there's a line that shouldn't be crossed. Your therapist is not your friend, and the drama in your life isn't for their entertainment.

6. They Don't Listen to You

It's really frustrating when you try explaining yourself to someone who just doesn't get what you're saying. If that happens regularly with your therapist, you might want to find someone else. Your therapist should try to understand you and ask clarifying questions if they don't. If your therapist is ignoring you, misconstruing what you're saying, making assumptions about how you feel, or dismissing your concerns, they're not listening to you, and you're not going to get anywhere in therapy.

7. They Do Most of the Talking

There should be a balance in communication with your therapist. Your sessions should be a conversation, and you should actually be doing most of the talking. Therapy is not a TED Talk for your therapist. Lecturing, ranting, and talking about their own problems is just unprofessional and inappropriate. It creates a power imbalance where you're their audience and not an active participant in your therapy sessions.

8. They Act Like a Motivational Speaker

I once had a therapist who liked to use a lot of buzz words and meaningless phrases. She sounded more like a motivational speaker at an MLM/pyramid scheme cult meeting than an actual therapist. She kept repeating them like a conspiracy theorist, too. It all sounds good at first, but then you realize this kind of magical thinking doesn't actually help you. Therapy is work, and progress doesn't happen overnight. Side note from experience: If your therapist tries to force you to read a book they say will change your life, run.

9. They Make False Promises and Seem Over-Confident

This one always rubs me the wrong way and is something I've become well-attuned to. If you schedule a consultation, or even if you've been seeing them for a couple weeks, and your therapist says that they can cure you in just a few sessions, or that they can offer you all these different types of therapy they're not trained in, it's time to move on to your next candidate. These are false promises. They're not going to come true. A good therapist knows that therapy takes time, and that timeline is unpredictable because people aren't textbooks; they're human beings. Also, if you're looking for a specific type of therapy, find a therapist who specializes in it, and don't let them string you along waiting for them to start incorporating it into your sessions. I'm suspicious when a therapist says "I can definitely help you with that" to every problem I present in the first session, or "I'm going to get trained in that" every time I ask about DBT, EMDR, ART, etc.

10. They Don't Match Your Communication or Learning Style

This red flag isn't something to get angry over. Therapists are people, too, and sometimes people don't get long. A good therapist will ask you about or try to get to know your style of learning and communication, but that doesn't mean your styles will always match. If you're just not vibing with your therapist, if you don't like their silence or the way they ask questions, if you prefer expressing yourself through art and they prefer having their clients fill out worksheets, it's ok to look for another therapist you can work well with.

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Green Flags:

Let's end this on a positive note with some green flags to look out for in a potential therapist:

1. They Guide You

As I mentioned above, a good therapist is a guide. They might nudge you in the right direction but won't tell you what to do. They'll offer their advice only when asked. I like therapists who can gently push me out of my comfort zone without making me anxious. The goal is personal growth. A good therapist encourages you to make your own decisions and discover yourself.

2. They Make Therapy About You

Therapy is all about the client. Your therapist should go at your pace and do what works best for you in terms of therapy. If something isn't working, your therapist should try to adjust their technique to suit you. A good therapist won't take it personally if you say you don't like their communication style, if you try to clarify what you're saying, or even if you say you don't think therapy is working. They will try their best to accommodate your needs. This is a service you've hired them for, and you should get what you're looking for, within reason. Remember that therapy isn't magic.

3. They Get to Know You as a Person

A good therapist will try to get to know you as a person, and not just treat you as a number. They will take the time to learn about your likes and dislikes and incorporate them into therapy to make you more comfortable. I appreciate it when a therapist knows when to take a lighthearted approach, or when to change the subject to 'Gilmore Girls' or my weekend plans if I'm getting too anxious. Therapy can be fun sometimes, and you shouldn't leave feeling worse than when you came in. You should ideally leave feeling better than before.

4. They Help You Decompress at the End of Session

Speaking of leaving feeling better than before, you should find a therapist who helps you decompress at the end of the session, especially if you say you need to. This can take the form of guiding you through a quick meditation or a breathing exercise, making sure you've said all you need to say, making a plan for the next session, or whatever you need in the moment.

5. They Vibe Well with You

A great green flag is if you and your therapist get along. You understand each other, you're comfortable joking around, and you can talk about anything. While the therapist-client relationship is a professional contract, it doesn't have to be dry and robotic. Getting along well with your therapist helps make therapy easier. It's really good to find things in common.

6. They Understand Your Culture and Beliefs

You don't have to have things in common with your therapist for them to respect you. Your therapist should attempt to understand your culture, even if they don't share it. For instance, a person of color or a first-generation immigrant will have a different family dynamic than a white American whose ancestors came over on the Mayflower. A good therapist will try to understand and respect your cultural background, as well as your belief system, because that will have a big impact on how therapy will play out. Finding a multilingual therapist might also be a good idea.

Note: This doesn't just apply to ethnic cultures, but also religious, generational, socioeconomic, gender, and any other culture you might belong to.

7. They're Accommodating

It's important for a therapist to be flexible. If you need certain accommodations, like the option of telehealth appointments, flexibility with scheduling, comfortable seating, a sign language interpreter, etc., your therapist should be willing to meet those needs. This is more than just a legal requirement; your therapist should care enough to want you to be safe and comfortable in therapy.

8. Their Office is Comfortable for You

Your therapist's office should also be comfortable. I consider it a green flag if a therapist has fidget toys you can play with, a soothing sound machine to play during the session, and a comfortable chair to sit in. One therapist had a beanbag chair in the corner I loved to sit in. Another one offered art supplies so I could draw or doodle while we talked. It's not a distraction; it actually helps you focus on therapy. If you're seeing your therapist in person, make sure you're comfortable in their office, whether that's a cozy corner to sit in or an open space to pace around if you need to.

9. They Give You the Concrete Help You Ask for

If you know what you need in therapy, you have the right to seek it out. For example, I was looking for a therapist who does EMDR, and I found one who stuck to EMDR and didn't try to veer off into other forms of therapy (which was something previous therapists had done). A good therapist will also be able to help you achieve your goals and meet your needs. If they advertise that they're trained in something like DBT or CBT, they offer it to you in-session and follow through. If you need something more concrete or practical, like a self-care plan, a bedtime ritual, or coping skills, they help with those, too.

10. They Give You an Out

A good therapist will want you to get the most out of therapy and is smart and humble enough to know when they can't give you what you need. Some might even recommend another therapist for you. It's hard to know after one session if a therapist is a good fit, so one therapist told me that when she starts seeing a new therapist, she gives them three to four sessions, and then goes from there. I think that's a good rule to follow. Unless there are obvious red flags, you should give a new therapist a chance to get to know you and to see if they're a good fit for you. It's a green flag if they understand this and make it easy, both logistically and mentally/emotionally, for you to leave if you want to.

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I wrote this article because I know how hard it is to find a good therapist. If you're uncomfortable with your current therapist, but you're not sure if you're overreacting or reading too much into things, I hope these two lists will empower you to drop the wrong therapist and look for the right one because therapy should be about you and your needs, and you deserve to get the help you need.